The moment you find out that some of your core beliefs were not yours.
A certain silence comes at some point in your forties.
Not silence.
Only the gradual awakening that some of the voices you had listened to all your life were not intended for you.
They were handed down. Absorbed.
Gifted like heirlooms, or liabilities no one desired.
And one day you are standing in your kitchen or in traffic and you find yourself in the middle of thinking: Why do I really think this?
Not in defiance. Not in rebellion.
Yea, but nothing more than simple inquiry into what could be forming in your mind.
The Legacy No One Asked For
We enter the middle of life with baggage.
Concepts of what enables a woman to be valuable.
What defines success?
How much room we are to usurp? What forgiveness requires? What loyalty means?
The majority of them were not taught explicitly. They soaked in.
Out of the mother who never said no.
A father who made the rest a synonym to laziness.
A church that put doubt in moral decline.
A society that held thin to be good and anger to be ugly.
These beliefs did not come with instructions.
They were enclosed with love, survival, belonging.
We assimilated them like roots which drink water–without doubt, because we had to grow.
Until we didn’t.
When the Framework Begins to Crack
In most cases, the questioning starts not with the major philosophical changes.
It starts with minor fractures in many women.
You realize you are burnt out because you are handling the emotions of other people and not your own.
You know you have been practicing some form of spirituality which makes you feel empty.
You find yourself saying yes.
But each and every part of you is physically rejecting it.
Worst it is the most difficult to notice that it has so gently become routine.
The structure which once existed around you starts to resemble a cage.
Not because it was malicious.
But it was created to be used by someone else whose version of you is what they wanted.
I have realized that I have seen this awakening as a sort of self-excavation.
You defiantly address the self-imposed regulations that you did not subscribe to.
Then taking them under the sun, saying: Does this good me anymore? Did it ever?
The Difference Between Skepticism and Discernment
Doubting inherited authority is not doubting all you had been taught.
It has to do with cultivating the sense of when to believe what is really true to you and not what someone told you was true to you.
This is where there is a difference.
Some skepticism may develop into its own dogma.
A new code to be used in place of the old one.
Discernment is softer. More curious.
It poses questions that do not require the immediate response.
What is my concept of rest?
Where had I heard that my value is conditional?
Whom does benefit by my remaining small?
There is no comfort in these questions.
They pull at threads.
Not all of it will come undone to your liking.
Not that it was bad, but because you will know that it was never a choice on your part.
The Specialized Substantiation of Gender
In the case of women in the middle-aged, this questioning usually overlaps.
It matters with how we have been socialized.
Regarding unselfishness. People-pleasing. Emotional work.
We were taught to read rooms. To handle tension. To apologize beforehand.
To make ourselves easy. Digestible. Non-threatening.
And for a long while, that was true. It kept us safe. Included. Loved.
But, somewhere around forty-five, fifty, the price begins to manifest itself in your body.
Migraines. Insomnia.
A deep ache in the bones that even sleep cannot relieve.
Something is being communicated to you by your nervous system.
This is unsustainable. This was never yours to carry.
The surprising part of this realization was the amount of grief that accompanies it.
You are not getting rid of old beliefs per se, you are losing the self that required them.
The girl who was taught how to be good rather than be honest.
Who shrunk to fit herself in.
Reclaiming Inner Authority
You can’t imagine that you can use a quick fix to retrieve inner authority.
It has nothing in common with dramatic disclosure or revelation.
It’s quieter than that.
It is the first time when you answer it, “I have not decided how I feel about that yet.”
This the first time where you did not agree quickly.
It is choosing to sleep and leave no reasons.
It is disappointing somebody and not rushing to correct it.
It is the knowledge that your gut feeling that you were not supposed to believe in has been speaking since your clock started.
Now you have learned how to get over it.
What Gets Louder When You Stop Listening to Everything Else
Something unforeseen occurs when you start doubting hereditary authority.
Your own voice gets clearer.
Not louder, necessarily. But more distinct. Less apologetic. Less performed.
You begin to see what really lights you up as compared to what you think you should be lit up by.
You would not be interested in appearing good but in telling the truth.
You have heard so much about aging, ambition and being beautiful.
Such concepts tend to drive you to a goal that is unattainable.
It should be remembered that not to chase that is not a failure.
It’s freedom.
The Long Unlearning
This process does not have a conclusion.
You never get to a point where you have asked not only questions but now you are finished.
It’s more like a practice. A re-calibration which occurs in waves.
There are days that you will feel well in your knowing.
Old habits will reoccur on some days.
You’ll find yourself once again trying to win the love you already possess.
You are shrinking yourself to be small enough to occupy spaces that you do not belong in.
And that’s okay.
Unlearning isn’t linear. It’s cyclical. Seasonal.
You keep on asking the same questions that are asked with new depth.
It is only that now, you know they are yours to ask.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
When you are in this room–when you stand in the midst of your life, and are looking at the beliefs which no longer serve you–then say this to me:
You do not require authorization to question.
You are given a chance to look into what you have been taught.
You can hold on to what is beneficial to you and get rid of what is not.
You may reverse yourself on what you were sure of at twenty-five.
You are able to transform into a person that your younger self would not be able to recognize.
Let that be growth. Not betrayal.
The voices that made you were not bad. But they do not have the last word of who you turn out to be.
That authority? It’s always been yours.
Thank you for reading.
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Explore the Full Series
Reclaim Yourself Without Burning It All Down
When You Challenge What You Actually Believe at Midlife
Emotional Conditioning Isn’t the Same as Truth (Coming Soon)
Letting Go of Roles That Once Kept You Safe (Coming Soon)
Identity After Caretaking: Who Are You Now? (Coming Soon)